Bulimia
by Hikari-and-Yami
Summary: I fill the toilet beneath me with my remorse and shame – with my imperfections. And when I'm done, I flush it all away. - Blindshipping - Nervosa Series: Part 1
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Part of my Nervosa Disorder Series. Obscurity in characters was done purposely - only for Prologue. Enjoy.

* * *

_Prologue_

* * *

_The acid burns my throat, tearing apart my esophagus as the bile pours from my mouth._

_The blood vessels in my eyes expand and constrict, bursting beneath the surface. _

_I fill the toilet beneath me with my remorse and shame – with my imperfections._

_And when I'm done, I flush it all away._

_Then I wait…_

_For the next cycle to begin. _

_~O~_

"_Heard you made the cut," he says to me._

"_Yeah," I murmur, pulling down my sleeve, sub-consciously, to cover the scars no one can see but me. _

_I grunt a little when he pats me hard on the back. "Another year, pal," he cheers, amber eyes beaming. "You and me. The dynamic duo."_

_I give him a tiny smile. "Can't wait."_

_~O~_

_He's not there. _

_That's what I keep telling myself. _

_He's not there. _

_He's not. _

_I repeat the words in my head until I gather the strength I need to push open my front door. _

_I peek inside, around the darkened living room. _

_He's not there, I think again. _

_Then I walk in._

_The kitchen light is on and it shines on my face from across the hall. _

_From where I'm standing, I can see my sister peering into the fridge._

_Her face is twisted in discontentment; her eyes full of annoyance as she looks over at me. _

"_We never have anything to eat in this house," she mutters, closing the fridge door. "I feel like all I do is go to the supermarket, and yet we have no food. You and mom are going to bankrupt me." _

"_Sorry," I mumble under my breath, remorse rumbling in my stomach. _

"_It's not your fault." My sister sighs. "You're a growing boy. You need to eat. But, geez, sometimes I wonder," she says, gesturing at my frame. "Where does it all go?" _

_I am not overweight in the slightest; neither am I underweight. _

_As the doctor told me a few months back, I am at my ideal, perfect weight._

_Lucky me. _

"_You know," I say, shrugging. "Metabolism, exercise – all that jazz."_

"_You men have it so much easier than girls," she huffs, picking up her dark hair and pulling it into a ponytail. "We have to actually watch the things we eat."_

"_Where are you going?" I ask her when she puts her coat on. _

"_Out," is all she tells me. "Mom's sleeping. I'll be back in a few hours. You need anything?"_

_Can you stay?_

_That's what I should have said._

_Because when she's home, it keeps me from acting out too much. _

_But the addiction is too strong. _

_The thought of being alone to do what I pleased too good. _

"_No."_

"_You sure?" she says. _

_I had two chances that night to speak up. _

_And I turned down both of them. _

_Because, at the end of the day, there's only one thing that will make me feel any better. _

"_Alright, don't wait up for me."_

_I wait until she walks past me and out the door, before I lock it behind her._

_Now it's just me, and the self-control that had been slipping from my grasp all day is gone. _

_My hands move on their own, rummaging through the cabinets and kitchen drawers. _

_I pull out what I can find._

_And I binge. _

_I eat until I can't anymore. _

_Until my stomach is full of solid forms of resentment and self-hatred. _

_Until it's bubbling with disgust. _

_And, by the time I get to the bathroom, I don't even need to stick my fingers down my throat. _


	2. Chapter 2

_I have been in love with Yuugi Mouto since Sophomore year._

_At first, it was nothing. _

_Just my male body and high testosterone levels reacting to his wide lilac eyes and cherubic face._

_But, over time, I grew to cherish our brief moments of eye contact, and the fleeting smiles that would ensue._

_I didn't comprehend what I was actually feeling until the end of Junior year – at prom. _

_I was sharing the last dance with my date when I caught a glimpse of Yuugi out of the corner of my eye. _

_He was sitting at one of the tables with his own date; just laughing and talking. _

_That was the first time I felt the true tendrils of jealousy._

_A burning flare of envy. _

_It was that night that I knew I was in love with him. _

_And, looking back, I realized that I had been for a while. _

_And now, as we are both entering our last year of high school, I fear that I will never summon up the courage I need to speak to him. _

"_Hey, so I was thinkin'."_

_My best friend's words snap me back to the present. _

_Back to our spot under the large oak tree, where we are both sitting for lunch. _

"_This year we should get shirts, y'know?" Jou tells me, between bites of his sandwich. "For our fans to wear."_

"_Fans?" I repeat. _

"_Yeah," he says. "We could put our names on them, too. Pass them out." He elbows me in the ribs, childishly. "Maybe you can get Yuugi to wear yours."_

_I scowl at his wink. "Don't make me regret telling you about him."_

"_Ha," he scoffs. "Like I didn't already know. I was just waitin' for you to admit it." He swallows the last bite of his lunch and flashes me a grin. "You can't slip anythin' by me, Temy."_

"_Hm," is all I say, while picking at a piece of grass. _

"_Seriously, did you think I wouldn't know? I know everythin' bout you."_

_At that, I pull the stubble out, root and all. _

"_You sure do," I tell him. _

_~O~_

_It's nearing the end of the second day of classes. _

_For my last period of the day, I had dropped a History class, in exchange for an Art one._

_And as luck, or the devil, would have it, Yuugi is in it as well. _

_There are only ten students in the class, including me and him._

_And, even though there is a girl sitting in-between us, I can still see the purple paint strokes he's making on the sheet on his easel, as he slides his brush against it. _

_I stare at my own blank masterpiece. _

_I don't know what to paint. _

_Red, I think to myself. _

_I'll start with red. _

_~O~_

"_Isis."_

_My sister looks at me in the reflection of her mirror. _

"_Yes, Atem?" She says, finishing her make-up. "How can I help you?"_

_I shift my body so that I am leaning against her doorframe. _

"_I just…"_

_At the tone of my voice, she stops what she's doing. _

_She turns in her chair to stare at me, letting me know that I have her undivided attention. _

"_I just wanted to thank you," I tell her, "for coming back home…"_

_The smile she gives me is small but sincere. _

"_Atem," she says, quietly. "Of course I came home. I needed to make sure you and mom were okay. I know it hasn't been easy with Shian gone."_

_That's his name. _

_My dad's name. _

_Not hers. _

_We have different fathers. _

_And, for that, I'm grateful. _

"_You are okay, right?" she asks in response to my silence. _

_I offer her a tiny smile. _"_Peachy." _

"_Listen," she says, standing up. "I know things have been rough these past few months. But they will get easier." _

_She's next to me now, tucking a stray bang behind my ear. _

"_I promise," she tells me. _

_I close my eyes at the pending lie. _

"_Thanks, Isis," I sigh. "I'm gonna go check on mom." _

"_Okay."_

_I feel her hand on my arm, as I turn to leave. _

"_And Atem," she says, serious, "if you need to talk, I'm here for you." _

_I try not to flinch at the kiss she places on my forehead. _

"_I know," I reply. _

_When she lets me leave, I walk towards my mother's room._

_But, for some reason, I'm shaking. _

_I don't even notice it, until I raise my hand to knock on the bedroom door. _

_One second. _

_Two seconds. _

_Three. _

_Then, four. _

_I lower my hand back down to my side. _

_I turn around and march down the stairs._

_I walk into the kitchen. _


	3. Chapter 3

_He thought he could have beat it out of me, you know._

_He thought that after a few blows, his only son would take back the vile confession._

_He hoped that his fists would change me._

_That his screams would make me return to normal. _

_And when he found out that they couldn't…_

_He left. _

_He left me crumpled on the ground, with my mother sobbing beside me. _

_Then, he packed his stuff and walked out the front door. _

_And I haven't seen my father since. _

_~O~_

_Today, in Art class, we have to draw our perspective of what Hell looks like. _

_So, of course, I pick up my brush and begin lining the bottom of my sheet with different shades of red. _

_I add in some abstract shapes. _

_Then toss in some chaos in the form of wild black strokes. _

"_That's nice," I hear someone say to me. _

_At the soft voice, I turn my head to look at Yuugi and blink a few times._

_The girl that usually sits between us is absent today, giving me a clear shot of his face._

"_Huh?" I say, delayed. _

_He nods his head towards my creation. _

"_I said, it's nice. The shading and everything."_

"_Oh." I look back at my version of hell, flames and all. "Thanks."_

"_Welcome."_

_It's quiet between us for a few minutes. _

_And then, almost meekly, I say, "Yours is nice, too."_

_He smiles a bit at that. _

"_Thanks," he says quietly. _

_There's another silent pause, before he gestures to my painting again. _

"_Who's that?" he asks me. _

_I look to where he's pointing – to the figure I've drawn in the middle of my picture._

_To the person in the center who is engulfed by fire. _

_I bite my bottom lip. _

_That's me._

"_Oh, you know," I say aloud with a small shrug. "A sinner."_

_~O~_

_To binge. _

_Then to purge. _

_It's a vicious cycle._

_But it makes me feel less…_

_Disgusted with myself, I guess. _

_It makes me feel like I'm in control._

_If I can't control who I am, then I can this. _

_I can control what I consume and what I expel. _

_But then again, nights like these, I do wonder…_

_Am I really in complete control of this cycle?_

_These feelings in my stomach. _

_The despair and guilt and anxiety. _

_I can't keep it inside of me for long. _

_The act of binging only relieves these feelings for a brief period of time. _

_And then they come back, even worse than before. _

_And I need to get rid of them. _

_So, I purge them out of me. _


	4. Chapter 4

_His house, he had said to me yesterday in class. _

_When I had asked Yuugi what he had drawn, he told me it was his house. _

_That was his hell. _

_When he had told me that, I didn't respond. _

_Not because I didn't know what to say. _

_But because the words got stuck in my throat. _

'_It's my hell, too,' I would've whispered._

_~0~_

_The floor is cold against my palms. _

_Freezing, almost. _

"_Do you hate me?" I ask her through her door. _

_I lightly tap the back of my head against it. _

_And shift into a more comfortable sitting position. _

"_No…," she murmurs. _

_I lift my palms off the floor and raise my knees to my chest. _

_I wrap my arms around my legs, keeping myself close. _

"_I don't hate you, Atem."_

_Then silence. _

_I slide my hands into my hair and pull. _

_More silence. _

_It's so fucking loud. _

_~0~_

_I watch him out of the corner of my eye._

_He seems…sadder today. _

'_Is it bad?' I think to myself. _

_Is it bad that he looks so pretty to me when he's sad?_

"_Now draw your heaven," Mr. Liask instructs the class. _

_I almost laugh. _

_And maybe I did just a little, because Yuugi looks my way, a hint of surprise lacing his expression. _

_Under his gaze, I sit up straighter and pick up the paintbrush next to me._

'_Heaven', I think to myself. 'What does that look like to me?'_

_I look at the colors in front of me. _

_What color is heaven?_

_With hesitation, I dip my brush in purple._

_Then in blue._

_I press the bristles against the blank canvas._

_Purple with light hues and streaks of blue._

_They remind me of his eyes._

_I glance at him again._

_Then back at my canvas._


	5. Chapter 5

_There was a moment, in the midst of my painting, that I felt Yuugi._

_I felt him watching me, the weight of his eyes making my body shiver._

_I slid my eyes to him and locked onto his gaze. _

_But instead of looking away, like I had expected him to, he held onto my eyes – onto me. _

_And it was then that I could feel the sparks that cracked in the space between us._

_It left me feeling both freezing and on fire. _

_And when he looked away and began to splash the canvas with streaks of red, I could feel my cheek tic with the traces of a smile. _

_I loved him so much. _

_But the feeling that he riled up inside of me made me hate myself, because it brought with it the memories of my father's abuse, of his abandonment; of my mother's depression and my sister's burden; of my most painful shame. _

_Now, in the present moment, I am putting the finishing touches on my painting, outlining the corners of it with traces of silver._

_My eyes are watching my hand movements, but my mind is elsewhere. _

_As the end of class nears, I clean off my paintbrushes and put them to the side, on auto-pilot. _

_I am just following the motions; the daily routine. _

_When the bell rings, I rise from my seat and collect my belongings, as the other students shuffle out of the classroom._

_I get up to follow and, in the process, walk behind Yuugi's station, as he's finishing his own masterpiece. _

"_It's wonderful." It was a thought I had intended to keep to myself, but it betrays me and slips through my lips. _

_Yuugi turns his eyes and looks at me under a layer of golden locks. _

"_Thanks," he says softly._

_His eyes are like an ocean of pearls. _

_I want to drown in them. _

_I reach out, without any cognition of what I'm doing, to brush his hair away that he is using as a shield to hide the monsters inside of him. _

"_Don't." _

_The demand bubbles from the back of my throat and, following my own instruction, I let my hand fall back down to my side. _

_He regards me, carefully. _

_Sadly. _

"_I'm sorry," I blurt out. _

_Before he can respond, I walk towards the door and out of the classroom. _

_I walk past my friends in the halls, not stopping to respond to their greetings or questions._

_I walk down a flight of stairs and round the corner. _

_It's then that a tall blond comes into my view, obstructing my path, and I come to a stop to avoid a collision. _

"_Whoa, whoa." The familiar voice makes me focus in on Jou's face. "Slow down there, 'Temy. Where you running to?"_

"_What?" I question, confused. _

"_You're running," _

"_I am? From what?" I ask aloud. _

_He notices that I'm not here and waves a hand in front of my face. _

"…_Hey, are you alright?" He sounds concerned, but the words don't make sense. _

_Nothing does. _

_~O~_

"_Atem." There's a soft knock on the bathroom door. "Are you okay?"_

"_Give me a minute." I wipe the rim of the toilet with a piece of tissue paper and toss it in the bowl, before I flush._

_I turn the facet on, scrub my hands with soap, trying the remove the stench of my emesis from the surface of my hands, and then I rinse my face with cold water. _

_When I open the door, Isis is waiting patiently in the hall, her face twisted in concern. _

"_Hey," is all I say to her. _

_Her expression tightens. "Are you sick? You sounded like you were throwing up in there."_

"_Yeah," I breathe out. "My stomach's been acting up lately. I think I have a bug or something." The lie falls flawlessly from my mouth. _

"_Oh," she murmurs. "You shouldn't be going to school if you're sick, Atem."_

_I wave her off. "It's not a big deal. Just a bit nauseas."_

_She eyes me, unsure. "Okay," she concedes hesitantly. "Go rest. I'll bring you up some crackers and gingerale to help settle your stomach." _

_I consent to her request, silently, and retreat to my room. I can feel her watching my back and close the door behind me in an attempt to put a wall in between us. _

_Those feelings are bubbling inside me again. I take a deep shaky breath in and slide down my door until I hit the floor. _

_I can feel my control… slipping. _

_I feel my insides spiraling. _


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This is the final chapter of _Bulimia_. Second Installment of Nervosa Series, **Habits**, will be posted this month. It will take place 5 years in the future. The final chapter of _Anorexia_ will be posted shortly - within the next 72 hours. Thank you for your reviews/support/encouragement. I am forever indebted. :)

* * *

"_If I were you, I would hate me, too," I hear myself say aloud._

_The air that fills the house is thick with silence. _

_I shift in my seated position on the floor and draw in a deep breath, afraid that, soon, all the oxygen will be gone._

_Everyday, it's harder and harder to breathe in this house._

_And I can feel myself suffocating. _

_Faintly, I hear the pitter-patter of feet cross the hardwood floor. _

_The door I've been staring at opens, and I see my mother's face come into view. _

"_Atem." Her voice cracks under the weight of my name. "I don't hate you."_

_. "You can't even look at me."_

_Her eyes tighten, tears pooling at the corners. She opens the door wider and steps out into the hallway. "Atem, I don't know what you want me to do." _

_I place my hands behind me and, shifting my weight, use them to push myself into a standing position._

"_I want you," I beg, "to be angry with me." I put my hands on her shoulders and peer into her eyes. _

"_I ripped this family apart," I remind both her and myself. "Dad is gone! He left and he's never coming back. You have a gay son. You have to sleep alone every night because of me. You –"_

_Her hand is like fire against my cheek._

_It hurts. _

_And I find myself wanting more of it. _

_An almost animal noise bubbles from inside of her, and she falls into my arms, her soft clenched fists raising and falling against my chest. _

_I hold her tight, listen to her 'why's, her soft cries._

_Each one of her blows eases my guilt. _

_I deserve this, I think to myself. _

_I need this. _

"_Mother!" I hear Isis from down the hall. She runs up to us, pulling our mother away and wrapping her arms around her. _

_I immediately feel cold when my mother is pulled from me. _

_I feel empty without being the target of her angered pain. _

_Because it gives me a purpose and, to be honest, I don't know who I am without it. _

"_What are you doing?" Isis is shaking her slightly. "He's your son." She's reminding her now._

_My mother, she's crying. Isis is crying. _

_I'm crying, I think. _

_Or maybe just shaking. _

_I leave them standing in the hallway and stumble to my room, my hands finding the wall and using it to support my unsteady gait. _

_I close my bedroom door behind me and lock it. _

_Then, I find a bag, zip it open, and fill it to the brim with clothes from my drawers. _

'_Oh yes', I think to myself, as I touch my wet, stinging cheek. 'I am crying.'_

_I am crying for my mother, for my father, for my sister. _

_I am crying, because I am mourning the loss of my family._

_Of the intact family I had._

_Not of the broken one I have now. _

_I am crying because I stopped myself from reaching out to Yuugi today; from finding solace in the one person I've loved for so long out of fear that he could never love me in return; out of fear of him rejecting who I am, such as the way of those I love._

_I am crying for being a coward. _

_For being gay. _

_I am crying, because of the all the faces I know will haunt me at night._

_I am crying, because of all those evenings I held up my hands and pleaded with my father to stop, of all those mornings that I wanted to disappear into oblivion. _

_I am crying, because I never got to tell Yuugi that I love him. _

_I pull the strap of my bag over my shoulder in resolve and open my window. _

_And now I never will. _


End file.
